And as I write this I am in the process of divorcing him for the 6th time just because I'm emotionally worked up.
I find going through internal divorces to be very healthy and cleansing. These divorces may or may not have been spurred by a 6 month old child who ultimately took 2 hours to go to sleep tonight. In fact possibly I divorced my child as well.
So I divorced my husband for the first time this morning when I woke up and made the mistake of checking Facebook before doing anything else. Actually back to up to 4am when our child work up and needed a feed. Yes, that is the point that the first divorce happened. I divorced him because he doesn't have breasts to feed our child and I had to be the one to wake up and feed her.
The second time was when I work up. As I said, I checked Facebook and the world of overachievers slapped me straight in the face. So if the first few minutes I was awake I decided I needed to write a daily blog, write a book, make short inspirational yoga videos, buy an inspiration book to help with the aforementioned, go back to school or a masters degree, lose 10lbs, become a better yoga teacher. My god, I'm tired just reading this. So when I looked over at my husband blissfully sleeping I divorced him for having his life together and knowing what he wants to go and actually working toward it instead of letting Facebook make him feel like an underachieving failure.
I hope you're starting to get the idea that these internal divorces are best keep internal and that I may be divorcing egotistical self more than anything. Anyway let the divorces continue.
So finally my husband rolls out of bed after I have become inspired and hit rock bottom all in the matter of about 2 hours. We have a lovely morning and I decide to remarry him a few times. I leave the two of them together for 2 hours while I observe a yoga class. Go me! A step in the right direction of my early morning goals.
After that I decide to go visit a friend to give her some baby time. I leave the husband at home to work towards his dreams. Before I go I express the wish to attend a yoga class in a few hours. Secretly I am taking the kid out so that I don't feel guilty having left her with him in the morning and that I will be leaving her with him again to go to yoga. Jesus where is this shame coming from.
After yoga I come home sweaty, hungry and tired. BAD COMBINATION for me. So I immediately divorce him for the 3rd time for relaxing at home. How quickly I forget he just kindly watched the little one while I went to yoga.
The 4th and 5th divorces were the worst and may have slipped from internal to external a bit. In the process of putting/fighting the kid to sleep I went through the 5 steps of divorce (formerly known as 5 steps of grief) in the matter of about an hour. I went thought the following:
1) denial: I can't believe my husband isn't up here helping me put the little one to sleep.
2) ager: If that man opens the door and asks if I'm ok I'm going to go mental because I can do this on my own.
3) bargaining: If this kid will go to sleep I promise that I will rekindle the relationship with her father.
4) depression: I'm the worst wife and mother ever. I can't even get my kid to sleep and why isn't her father here to help us.
5) acceptance: Well it's over, he didn't help in my time of needs so I don't need him anymore.
The 5th divorce, the one that became external was the one where I never get the house to myself and so in order to relax I have to go to yoga, friend's house or somewhere outside of my home to get away from a child who needs my attention. Yes, my husband is incredibly attentive and a wonderful father but sometimes you just need peace and quiet in your own home to unwind. Recently I realized that in the 6 months since my child was born I had only had a few hours to myself in the home when no one was home. This is the divorce that slipped from petty irrational internal divorce to telling my husband that sometimes he needs to just take the kid and Get the F Out so I can breathe and relax.
So the moral of my crazy story is that sometimes you just need 'you time' in your own home and by making sure that you're getting that time you can avoid a lot of unnecessary internal divorces. Where my yoga practice comes into play is when I was in the depths of my divorces. I looked at how worked up I was and I took some deep breaths, closed my eyes, withdrew my senses and listened to what all my irrational thoughts were really trying to say. And they were saying STOP, get quiet, settle into your nest and replenish yourself so you can stop being crazy. This post has been cathartic and enlightening and a great practice in finding clarity.
Also note that in the midst of my 'moment' I kept reminding myself how wonderful my husband was. He watched the little one while I went to two yoga classes today, he plays with her to the point that she is in a fit of giggles, he made a delicious dinner and ended up cleaning up as well, he tells me how wonderful I am and that I'm a great mom, he still thinks I'm sexy even though I have some wobbly bits, he listened as I basically told him he has to come home from work tomorrow, take the kid and leave so I can have veg out me time. He's pretty much perfect and going through all the stuff I go through just much more peacefully.
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