Contrary to what I thought the world did not end today

After 86 years of life my wonderful father shuffled off this mortal coil this evening. Being the much younger child of older parents I knew that this monumentally sad moment would come into my life when I felt I was too young, too weak, too immature, and just plain not ready for it to happen. I luckily had some warning after begging my sisters and mother to promise to keep me fully informed of his health after losing a close family friend with no notice because my family tried to protect me and how agonizing it was to go from happy to heart broken in the matter of seconds because I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye. What I forgot to do was ask my dad to be open and honest with me and the man who has been a rock in my life slowly and quietly crumbled and didn't want to be a bother so he didn't say anything to anyone until he felt positively terrible. It breaks my heart but the things that bring me out of the darkness to enjoy a smile here and there is that he was independent until a week ago, spoke to his family on a daily basis, drove his car, lived at home, went to work (he owned his business), had his life in order even as his body and mind started to fall apart, and made sure his family knew how much he cared about them.

I am sad that I was not there to hold his hand, kiss his forehead and tell him how much he means to me but my wonderful sister did all those beautiful things and she is so brave and loving and was the best person to be there as he left his tired old body for something I can only imagine is phenomenally better. I can only hope that when my time comes I get to go in exactly the same way, quickly, surrounded by love and at a ripe old age after living a full long life. 

The roller coaster of emotions goes from relief to deep sadness to anxiety to laughing to my breathe being ripped from my body and everything in-between in a matter of minutes.

I miss him

Update: Not more than a week after he passed I fell pregnant with my beautiful little girl. It has now been just over a year since he passed and I gave birth in May. I look at this little girl and would give anything for her to meet her grandfather but want to believe that his spirit may have found its way into her life. Life is a strange thing and emotions are tricky little sprites that play around with you. Just when you think everything is under control and you feel like you have your emotional ducks in a row something small pulls you right back into that moment when you got the call saying your father, your rock, the man you looked up to, was no longer just a phone call away. But in that you are reminded to do for your daughter all those wonderful things that that man did for you so that you can honor and remember him and share his memory.