Contrary to what I thought the world did not end today

After 86 years of life my wonderful father shuffled off this mortal coil this evening. Being the much younger child of older parents I knew that this monumentally sad moment would come into my life when I felt I was too young, too weak, too immature, and just plain not ready for it to happen. I luckily had some warning after begging my sisters and mother to promise to keep me fully informed of his health after losing a close family friend with no notice because my family tried to protect me and how agonizing it was to go from happy to heart broken in the matter of seconds because I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye. What I forgot to do was ask my dad to be open and honest with me and the man who has been a rock in my life slowly and quietly crumbled and didn't want to be a bother so he didn't say anything to anyone until he felt positively terrible. It breaks my heart but the things that bring me out of the darkness to enjoy a smile here and there is that he was independent until a week ago, spoke to his family on a daily basis, drove his car, lived at home, went to work (he owned his business), had his life in order even as his body and mind started to fall apart, and made sure his family knew how much he cared about them.

I am sad that I was not there to hold his hand, kiss his forehead and tell him how much he means to me but my wonderful sister did all those beautiful things and she is so brave and loving and was the best person to be there as he left his tired old body for something I can only imagine is phenomenally better. I can only hope that when my time comes I get to go in exactly the same way, quickly, surrounded by love and at a ripe old age after living a full long life. 

The roller coaster of emotions goes from relief to deep sadness to anxiety to laughing to my breathe being ripped from my body and everything in-between in a matter of minutes.

I miss him

Update: Not more than a week after he passed I fell pregnant with my beautiful little girl. It has now been just over a year since he passed and I gave birth in May. I look at this little girl and would give anything for her to meet her grandfather but want to believe that his spirit may have found its way into her life. Life is a strange thing and emotions are tricky little sprites that play around with you. Just when you think everything is under control and you feel like you have your emotional ducks in a row something small pulls you right back into that moment when you got the call saying your father, your rock, the man you looked up to, was no longer just a phone call away. But in that you are reminded to do for your daughter all those wonderful things that that man did for you so that you can honor and remember him and share his memory.

The low-down on permeate and milk

I know that this isn't directly related to yoga but through my asana practice I have found a greater awareness of my body and my desire to keep it in tiptop shape by feeding it the best food I can find and afford has recently made me aware of the milk additive permeate. I knew that cheaper milk had 'fillers' but I didn't pay much attention to it until I purchased some organic milk recently that had a big sticker on it stating 'permeate free'.  I got curious about this "permeate" stuff and what it has to do with my milk...that's when I went down the internet wormhole.

I started by searching wikipedia because I figured it was probably the most unbiased place to start (correct me if I'm wrong). Amazingly there isn't a milk permeate page yet and if I wasn't so lazy I might start one. Anyway, from there I googled milk permeate and started reading article after article after article. Some tried to justify it (I assume they were written by people in the supermarket or milk production industry) and some were totally against it (I assume written by the dairy farmers and health nuts).

that watery yellow/green stuff is permeate

For those who don't know, permeate is made when whole milk is filtered through a fine 'sieve' using a  technique called ultra-filtration.  This filtering separates the lactose (also called milk sugar), the vitamins and the minerals left over from the milk protein and fat during the cheese making process. You might recognize it in another form. You know when you open a container of yogurt and you see the watery stuff on top? It's often called whey, a protein rich form of permeate that we often find in protein powders. By the way, don't poor this out, it's natural and you're losing the important protein of your yogurt. However the permeate that they are adding to your milk is not protein rich and is often called by other names that might be more widely recognized. It can be labeled deproteinized whey, dairy product solids, modified whey or reduced protein whey. Just a little something to look for on labels...if it's included in the ingredients list. But if you're looking on the back of your milk carton all you're going to see is milk. This is what I find so alarming. Yes, permeate is a dairy byproduct but the milk straight from the cow does not contain and extra 12% of this watery substance and I think milk companies should be required to put on the label if they have added anything, even if it's vitamins or minerals, and especially if it's a cheaper watered down milk byproduct.

The process of making and using permeate

So here are the pros and cons that I have pulled out of the many articles I have found.


Pros: It's not bad for you because it is technically natural and derived from milk. It costs less than milk straight from the cow so when added it actually brings down the cost of milk and can make milk more affordable to everyone and if you're not lactose intolerant milk is a pretty wonderful source of important nutrients. It ensures that from carton to carton your milk is going to taste the same because it's a way of standardizing the quality and nutrient content of the milk since this can change depending on the breed of cow and what the cow is eating. It eliminates the need to dispose of permeate which is usually a waste byproduct and is factories are required to dispose of it properly and can not just dump it down the drain.


Cons: It makes milk contain less protein. Milk producers are not required to put the addition of permeate on the label and can be up to as much as 16% of your milk is added permeate. It dilutes the flavor so the milk is not as creamy. For cafes and coffee connoisseurs it does not froth as easily due to the lower protein content (yes, I know this is a first world problem). Aside from milk producers not having to put it on the label the biggest concern is that dairy farmers are losing business because it is about 60% cheaper to the milk producers to add permeate to their product than to use whole milk. I mentioned this in the pros section because it makes milk more affordable but it means that large chain supermarkets like Coles and Woolworth's can make their home brand milk very cheap at the cost of the diary farmers.


I will admit that I have not done years of research and my facts have come form reading articles found on the internet but I am happy to have a better understanding of what the 'permeate free' sticker on my milk really means. I won't turn my nose up at a latte from my local cafe but I think I will continue to purchase my organic permeate free milk because it honestly tastes better and makes a damn good cappuccino. If I happen to help local organic farmers then I'm happy to do that as well. If it sounds like I don't care about the permeate waste product and its disposal well I'm happy to report that it is often dehydrated and used in baking mixes and other baked goods so it's not entirely going to waste.


Now you know.

It's going to be great...and it was

This past 6 days I have been fully immersed in a teacher training. I originally completed my teacher training 2 years ago but one of the studios where I teach, Preshana Yoga, is awesome at bringing wonderful teachers over from the US. This teacher training lead by Christina Sell, although intended for people wanting to become teachers, was amazing.
We spent the first 3 days just doing intensive asana. Every day started with 3.5 hours of strong asana before lunch and ended with 2.5 hours of more mellow restorative and deeper stretches after lunch. The last 3 days was actual intensive teacher training and although we only had 3 days to pack in a lot of information Christina was so amazingly clear that we managed to learn more than I originally learned in several months of teacher training.
Her gift for clarity of teaching while still being able to deliver powerful lessons with deep insightfulness and detail lead me to learn more deeply about what it means to be a teacher, how to guide my students and how to impart the philosophy and meaning behind the asana without sounding, in her words, weird. The more I learn the more I come to see that teaching yoga can be so much more than asana while still being a physical asana practice.

The things that stuck out in my mind as truly valuable were

verb + body part + direction (+ a heart quality)
ie. Step your right foot back (with intention)
bow your head to your heart (with humility)

I know it sounds like common sense but I have a way of trying to reinvent the wheel when I'm teaching and I now have an appreciation for just clearly saying what I mean so that my students can feel their body in as clear a way as possible.

I also learned more about how some of the poses came to be and what hindu stories they arose from.

And a different way to sequence my poses that opens the body up but is a little different than how I usually teach. Light on Yoga is a brilliant book and I can't believe I didn't use it more in the past. Like Christina, BKS Iyengar has a way of just saying simply how to get your body into an asana. It's not necessary to be all fluffy and flowery about moving the body, drop that stuff in when the student is already in the pose or in the introduction or closing of the class. Be clear so that your students can find their own clarity.

I am so appreciative for the time I had for this training and to have been able to teach while I was taking it to try out my new skills. I highly recommend any trainings with Christina Sell, It's going to be great.

("It's going to be great" is her favorite quote and although it usually precedes a challenging pose she is almost always right. When you make a shape with your body, especially a challenging one, and you really feel the alignment and power then is it great, it's f-ing fantastic!)