A month ago I got two little pink lines on a pregnancy test. After my initial response of "ooooohhhhh f@ck" I have settled right into the idea of having a little peanut (my husband and I like to say that we were practicing but not trying to conceive). The idea of making something in my own body is scary but also totally fascinating. You are what you eat is really coming into play right now.
The problem...I can't eat.
Let me rephrase. I can eat but I am at the mercy of my body to decide what it will accept and what it will reject. More often than not it choses to reject stuff so I spend my days willing myself to eat healthy food and running to the fridge for the tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream just to put some calories in my body so I don't make offerings to the porcelain god. I am proud to say that although I have been close that god has not received any offerings as of yet, there have been a few very close calls but I refuse!
Anyway, I digress. This is about my yoga practice and being pregnant, two things I find don't go harmoniously hand in and as I had hoped.
So I have had a lot of the lovely pregnancy symptoms: sore boobs, relentless nausea, extreme exhaustion (I spend a good 12+ hours chilling in bed relaxing). I managed to do yoga the first week I was pregnant and thought 'this is grand, I can keep doing this'...then week 5 rolled around and I was floored by the influx of hormones.
HOLY CRAP I have felt like an emotional teenager going through puberty in a matter of weeks instead of years. I have so much appreciation for grumpy teens now, it's like hormone poisoning.
So now I am at a point where just the thought of getting on my mat to move is exhausting and when I do manage to get there I give it my all for about 10 minutes (read do a bit of prenatal yoga) and then collapse in a heap ready to cry. I have gone from a strong (inversion, backbend, hot, 3 hours, etc.) practice to a nothing practice and to top it all off I am a teacher. So here I am at the front of class trying to guide my students through their practice and I don't have the energy to demo anything and can't tell them why all of a sudden their teacher is not as enthused as she used to be. So I have taken a step back from my asana practice and started to reevaluate how yoga can play a role in my life. So far Ahimsa (non harming) is playing the biggest roll. I will not harm myself or my unborn child by forcing a physical practice on my body that is too much for me right now. I will not judge myself for having to change my ways or spend many hours in bed, I will be gentle and kind to those around me because the kinder I am to other the kinder I feel towards myself. I have stepped back from teaching until I feel better because I am not of service to myself or others if my heart is not in it and I am not able to practice what I am teaching. So my yoga as of now is kindness, compassion and understanding. In India the practice of yoga does not start with asana (the physical practice), it starts with reflection, meditation and devotion once you have an understanding of those then you start an asana practice. Some of the most amazing yogis do not come to their mat to run their body through a serious of twisted poses, they quietly sit each day and practice the more challenging practice of mental yoga.
So now as my body changes my practice will change and evolve as well and when I come out the other side of this challenging spot of my pregnancy I hope to be more in tune with myself and others in a much deeper level than just the tangible physical. It will make me a more attentive mother and a more compassionate, patient person...I hope. :-)
